Tot Memoirs !!!

Before you start reading this post, pls scroll down and read the disclaimer (tis in italics, grey) in the post right below this one ;);) I’m sure you’ll have to read it for quite sometime from now on!

My “online time” was gettin lesser by the day than the state’s monthly allowances for homeless ppl! I know can you believe it!! i cant blv myself. The maximum I get to do these days is open Gmail(reply), open Fb, open Blogspot and then log out or end up leaving myself online before I can do anything useful! I was succumbing to unknown mighty forces that are against me being online — and had almost become used to it…until yesterday!!

A chat box opened up in my Gmail and asked “Remember me?” After initial moments of , I was thrilled! It was an old, old, ooooooold friend. We shared soo many memories and our friendship from say kindergarten! And then we’d lost touch. A few years ago, when I’d started my Orkut/FB account, I had searched for her, but wasn’t lucky. And now, here she was.

We had a few long gaps amidst one liners…15 years is a long long time — and if you think there’d be lots of stuff to catch up on when you meet such an old friend, let me tell you, there is none! We had no clue what to talk about…other than one-liner replies to “Where are you these days?” and “What you up to?” and the like. And well, if you think there’d be nothing to talk about after the first round of such awkwardness, let me tell you, you’re wrong! Hehe…we launched into a trail of “Do you remember whens...” . Oh God! It was the best catching-up I had had in a long time!

We discussed kho-kho games, falling-downs(I hated that game and would always end up bruised; so would she), Delhi Bombay, Crocodile; we discussed about those irate Aunties in the colony and our incessant chatting (apparently, once we both were asked to sit at two corners during festivities, well away from each other because of our non-stop talking — and I started crying; being the true friend she was, she started off too! ); we discussed a few horrid males with whom we’d always get into a quarrel — and We'd go marching to the watchman of the colony to complain, bring back a loud-voiced watchman (Uthrabadi) and get them guys shouted at! He was one hellava sweet watchman we had :)

We literally LOL'd discussing a guy who never used to touch a girl, for fear of him getting pregnant! yea yea.. If his finger brushed against a girl’s by mistake, he’d bring out his towel and rub it off vehemently! (He’s in Santa Clara now, though I don’t know why I’ve mentioned it here ). Then there was this AntiLove Association 2 gals started who were against love. We were there as the guinea pig coz they were older than we were, we were ragged to do the bad job of stalking those ppl ;) .Hehe…we used to snoop around, find all sorts of couples in the colony, there was nothing much we as lil kids could do talk abt the akka & anna and some weird talks ( One of them happened to be my uncle & aunt) :) Also those 2 gals who used to always go behind the trees and talk ALL the time:) We were pretty naughty to think that way back then too;)

She remm the time when "C" apparantely came and told her that he will marry "J" one day... i need to talk to C and find out wats with that;)The time where Suja was hiding under the watertank with her bf...and gettin caught by us gals and she bribing us with 5-stars everytime we see her. Such brats we were:)

Oh, when Balaji the nerd guy in the gang, couldnt control his pee (ending up peeing where ever he was)and dint wannt go home coz he mite be out while playing hide & seek. Wish i could find where he is these days. Such funny guy he was!

Apparently, once those horrid males in the colony pushed her off the chair and she landed “thud” on the floor, right with her bruise facing the floor. we had our revenges too…we used to stone those guys during our every single badminton sessions!and get stoned back!

The funniest of all was the recollection of us on stage once — hair all done up with colourful ribbons that matched our dresses, we were singing away to glory!! Our game nites during powercuts in CHennai with my dad being the main guy :)

Anyway, it was a rather very very playful walk down memory lane…becoming the lil kids we were again, even if for a few minutes, was awesome — and I enjoyed it so very thoroughly! Now, that little girl is a stunningly beautiful woman! I was shocked when I saw her picture and gaping for quite a while!

I’m so glad we’re back in touch. 15 years of fun we’d missed. Welcome back, Sweets!

Ninaivugal!

Ninaivugal alaigalaaga,
Manadhil nindraai amaidhiyaaga,
Vaanveliyil thendralaaga,
En vaazhvil vandha inbamaaga,
Un ninaivugal en kangalil kaneeraaga,
Andru maghizndhom iruvarum, Ondraaga,
Neeralaigal unnai muthamittadhu
En Gnyabagathil endrum pasumaiyaaga,
Nirkiren kadarkaraiyoram indru thaniyaaga !!!!!!

-Janani

.... and I here i am thinking there was nothing as contagious as a smile!

Me: Do you sell them smiles?
Storeguy: Yes. But they are quite expensive.
Me: Ah, not a problem! Please can you give a box of them to that lady there; it’s on me!
Storeguy: Oh, I am sorry! You really are not the first to try…but I never have any that fits her!

K now, does a smile cost a lot, really? Or is it just a matter of no-size-fits-some?

Been wondering about this for a while now. There is this perosn, at whom I wuda smiled a million times, without fail, more like everytime, he turns around and hurries into his house or runs away as if fearing life.

Either its my face which he is not too impressed with; or his smiles are just too damn expensive and he knows I cannot afford one ever in my life!

Well, I have never bitched about him to his face (or to any1 for that matter), never made faces at him, never intentionally done anything to him for him to not give a grin back, so I cant, for the life of me, figure out why I get such a cold response to one little, innocent smile.

It has been sometime now. But well, irrespective of all that, I still smile at him every single time. Its just a simple principle I follow: Its always there, right under my nose, and it costs me nothing! So, why forget its there?? Well, I believe there’s always a smile at the end of a 14-muscle stretch!

P.S.: Well, to those whom it matters: I do not have a scary face — I smiled at my neigbours kid today and she didn’t look scared…not a bit!:):):)

smilez

I am in one of those nicest moods today..Y? Absolutely no reason. Just like that. Feels good infact great. Call me weird, but I just am living the nicest moments. Happens only once in a while... that too for no reason at all. I have this strong urge to get drenched in the rain. (I can just dream of it while TO has had its major share recently).... have a hot cuppa coffee...maybe 2... hot bajjis.... and lovely songs.... by the windowsill. This is a possibility, just that it wouldn’t rain :(

Life is of course a b*tch but sometimes a pretty b*tch!

Who knows, tomorrow I might pull down this post for having a crappy day, but this evening is ALL MINE.

ENILEDIS...........

So there you're sitting online checking your gmail.

And of course you're online on gchat as well....gotta be!!
But have you noticed the number of people who have sidelines next to their names..
Myself included! I am no exception.

It just made me think out loud... why do so many ppl really write a sideline..
A few have their blog links, some professional networking profile pages.. but most just have a sideline.. usually an opinion on a social happening, political or better some declaration of feelings or some famous personality's famous or not so-famous words. Well for be it some have their own not-so-famous words ;);)

Its interesting to know that we all feel the need to express ourselves in varying degrees..Dont we? It also feels good to know that people use this medium - the online-written medium to convey to the world at large - their thoughts, feelings, opinions!!! Somehow gives me a teeny weeny feeling of consolation. We're not a suppressed generation. We voice ourselves. We use the online medium to reach out to people! Hell I use my blog to vent out frustrations, to declare to the world that I'm happy or I'm sad! Donno how good or bad that is...but it surely makes one empty from them darn gibbers that bother and loiters in them.

Also feels good when someone understands! It feels great when someone else says that's exactly how I feel or that's what I think too!

For some reason this post reminds be of the song
http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=M43bn-wGAAQ.As1NMvHdW

What a wonderful world!

Random farts!!

Life is funny. And twisted. It isn’t a comedy anymore. It isn’t serious either. But then again, I’m twisted.

I’m a woman. I’m a girl; I’m actually stuck in between. I procrastinate, I am on time always. I procrastinate time. I am complex, I want to be, I try.

Life’s tough as you get older. You are not who you wanted to be. You make it what you want it to be, or close enough. I am confused. So are you.

The last couple of days have got me thinking. I am better and stronger, yet moments make me weak. Abandon. Grrrr...But then again, I’d like to be my usual and rant! But that would be expected, wouldn’t it? I don’t want to be “expected”.

Also, I love this weather. Although this heat wave don’t save me from shit-faced truckie by work who seem to think it his right to splash water, all over my fucking pants every damn time..., encouraging sniggers. Not from me.

I totally love the opportunity to drink “chai” in the paks of "paradise". But the asses that give me a raping stare aren’t welcome. Flockersss, dick weed, it’s not even like sth is exposed and do you even think you can score, with that face of yours? Jayalalitha has a better chance at the cracks in her feet than your face!

Also, moron in the grey sweeps on the white road, seriously, I mean seriously, you , you man.. aren’t driving the Bat mobile you know? You’re car isn’t as small as your dick or brain (for that matter) to squirm through a 4 inch gap! Get a life and GET OF THE PHONE!

The numbfock in another ashsweep, so you think you got it all you asswipe! i bet you havent had the chance w/o the ONE. Live it alone!

I digress.

The weather. Gah! I can’t talk about it anymore.

Talking to a few friends over the days, I realized one thing. Some are selfish or am I selfish... I want what I want. Sue me, Biaaatch!

I am not afraid to get it. I am afraid, however of loneliness. It scares the beeejeezus outta me. Not comforting.

However, I do have time. I don’t follow rules. I break them. I make them. I am a rule. I am my own judge. I judge me. I have the right. I don’t judge you. I am a bad judge of character.

I have my dreams, intact. I know how to get there. This hurdle race annoys me. Get the F*** out of my way. I will achieve it. I will cross.

Friends understand. They know. I don’t. I will be who I want to be. I am like this. I smile. I fret. I jump, I sing, I dance, I fall. I am me. Phew phew

And Fockle me Freddie, slap me purple and call me a child, (insert any other expletive here) but I’ve suddenly realized the meaning of life. But then again, who hasn’t. Join the dumb-fuk club, you tool. :):)

Unspoken Language

Silence accompanied them for the rest of the journey. Silence that had suddenly gained some meaning in their lives. Their unspoken language.

It had been a long day for her. She hadnt slept in almost 24 hours. Her eyes were swollen and red due to the sleeplessness. She was trying to stay awake as he drove. She knew that he was her only solace at that point of time. Her long time friend. A soul that knew her more than anyone else in the world. A soul that understood her more than her very own. He had seen her moments of joy, disappointment and tears. Something she hadnt revealed to anybody else. A privilege set apart only for him. She relived the day when she had spent alone with him. Her special day had been more special by just being with him. She knew not why she felt better when he was around. But that was the way it was. In all her sorrows and gloom, if there was one single thing that she always felt elated about, then it was him. But she was not sure if the things that were happening recently were for the good. She was not sure where they were leading to. She was confused.

He drove in silence, not knowing what she was thinking. This was one moment in their relationship when he was not sure if this was indeed the moment. She was just looking beyond the roads before them, letting her eyes scan the path. She glanced at her watch. 1.00 am. She seemed prettier than usual. Her tired face. Her calm and composed look. Eyes that concealed all the pains of her mind. Her silence beautified her even more. The silence, so typical of her.

'Was she the one? Were they really made for each other? Where was this leading to? Was it really destined to happen? What would she think? What would she reply? Was it the one that I think she would say? Is she indeed my soul mate?' Thoughts raced in his mind.

Amidst all this silence, he turned to her. 'So how was the trip?'

She smiled, 'As I expected it to be'

'Does it mean you liked it?'

'What else do you think? That's why I intended being with you. You know that very well'

'Hmm. You know what? You are a child to me. Your nature. Your innocence. Your stupidity. Yourself'

'I know...And...Thanks for being who you are.' She smiled.

'Can I say something?'

'Yeah. But dont start off with another of your teasing tantrums.'

'No. I wont.' 'This hand of mine is here for you to hold on to. Why dont you hold it forever?'

Silence.

'I dont understand.' She was not sure if she was hearing it all right.

'Will you travel through this journey of life with me, hand in hand?' It was indeed him. It was indeed his words. Words that she had been waiting to hear for many days now. Words that had failed to escape the curves of her mouth.

She stared at him in silence. She placed her hand on his and held it tight. A confidence that she gave him for the precious gift that he had given her.

Silence accompanied them for the rest of the journey. Silence that had suddenly gained some meaning in their lives. Their unspoken language.

Kanava....

Ive been looping this song all day. Music can do miracles. Got me up and with a big grin i sit here and blog. There is so much feel and romance in the singers voice & the lyrics go hand in hand. The orchestration is rich, complex sangathis here & there which makes the listener anticipate :) Brilliant composition by TSG yet so simple. Very refreshing tis :)

Its just one of those days. I just wanna take my car to half moon bay and sit by the shore with my ipod and loop this song. Its got a happy content feel to it.

I miss your music guys!! Hope u guys do more of these compositions !

Download Kanava

Cherry Berry Morning

The curtain slowly flutters, in an attempt to blow a cooling breeze towards me and wake me up. I open my eyes slightly to the sound of familiar trees and smell of mild sunshine. But the cosy, warm blanket around me refuses to let go, holding me in a tight embrace that I don't want to break. I try to think of the last thing that was running in my mind before falling asleep (thank god, i wasnt thinking about it - proud as a peacock, i smiled :) Thank you S & V), but my mind appears clean and fresh, like newly washed laundry smelling of a nice detergent flavored with lime. I reach out and fish the book I was reading the night before and continue dwelling in its pages of a house painted like a garden and a girl who plays hopscotch in an abandoned nunnery. There is only one thing that I want this moment to complete this picture. A favorite dog, fluffy cuddly one. I stretch languorously, much like the dog, and pad slowly downstairs to a room that is set aglow with the sharpness of light that can come only after the blunting effect of morning rain.


Balancing a cup of ginger and honey tea and my book, I proceed to sit in a chair outside that i placed last weekend, situated in the midst of a few plants and a bicycle yet cozy:)There is a lulling, soothing insulating quietness. With the sounds of chirruping birds and jostling trees that seem to only add melody to the silence, instead of interrupting it. I notice how there are little white flowers reflected on the glass like specks after a snowfall. And how the dried leaves seem to huddle together in the comfort of old age. And how I ended up starting the day with tea instead of coffee. Things change, and so do I :D

Sometimes

Every moment is a celebration of life. It was a rather nondescript day that gave me this discovery.

It all started with a craving for a Bunny Hug(both literally & figuratively). That, is not a stuffed toy or a hug from a long eared person. It is this tall, mushy glass of butterscotch icecream coated with warm chocolate sauce and cherries and comes with one of those endearing, matching little umbrellas as accessories. But I had to travel quite a while to pick up S first, who was kind enough to indulge my whim. And the car seemed like it had a hangover from racing fellow cars and high on something. Infact, all it prolly was is need for speed. The wild, dusty ride through flashing traffic, a few honking neon cars, overloaded bikes, vigourous policemen and sashaying college going peeps, was infact, quite enjoyable. I had missed the sounds, sights and flavour of the city. This was more like it :)

And the ice cream parlour had been repainted to give a chessboard effect. The fact that I was wearing a chequered black and white print made me camouflage into the surroundings. Gossip sessions, dollops of icecream and some five songs in the background later, we came out grinning and high on life.

Sometimes, it takes nothing to get happier than high. Thanks S for making my day precious and for making me feel precious :)

Wednesday Afternoon

It is Wednesday afternoon. A listless city.
Where sunshine jabs yellow and green sweaters.
To the tune of a violinist's poverty.
People sit together. But in all reality
Will be moving apart tomorrow
Today's happiness could be morrow's sorrow.
Hark. These thoughts profound.
Do you smell cookies, golden and round.
Handmade ones, you imagine with satisfaction.
(But on the way) A baby and mother blowing a bubbly loop.
A couple dribbling a double scoop.
And a you. On the glass's reflection.

For some reason, after writing this it reminded me of the St.Gobain glass commercials you see in india :)

Do not read what is written below

The fact that you are reading this itself, is a proof of man's immense curiosity in things. Or, in another perspective, to listen to nobody else but himself/herself.

Leave an apple in the fruit seller's basket, extolling all the greatness of a healthy fruit. A few people come by to have a look and a peck.

Take the same apple to the top of the highest building, encase it in glass and keep it in view,yet away from the touch of humanity. That's when you will have millions of people gazing at it, discussing about its owner, plotting to steal it and even conducting talk shows about its prospective taste.

As somebody said, there is nothing tastier than a forbidden fruit..

Life and change?

Life teaches you a lot of things: i dunno fo shizzet!!

Somethings are just beautiful, somethings are overly exhausting, somethings you just love, somethings you just cant stop doing, somethings are uncertainty prevailing, somethings are shattered moments, somethings are confusions, somethings are just hope, but then all these somethings however good or bad that you loved no matter what becomes nothing one fine day. That day You learn to live for yourself, "I" plays a more important role than "You". Is it that stage where you realize? or maybe a stage of redundant unwanted thoughts?

For the love that never was....

I dunno why the excitement:):) Like a little child opening her birthday present, a kid in the candy store perhaps, a lover waiting for the angel to turn up... as i get a msg from R, and i have waited for this for a loong loong time. It hasnt changed one bit. Like a mothers love. It is pure. It is innocent. I have promised to meet R this weekend. Apart from promising a million others. But R i definitely have to meet. For old times sake. For the love that never was.

Aromas all the way from chennai :D

All the way from custom made pastas to the Chef's baked bowl, I have explored almost every vegetarian specialty at a lot of places. However my favorite continues to be the signature 'idli vadai sambhar' and 'degree coffee' in Saravana Bhavan on the busy roads of Pondy Bazaar.

There is something nostalgic about relishing the idli dipped in chutney. And I have never tasted anything like what I call 'Special Sambar' from Saravana bhavan.

It reminds me of childhood. Of days when I used to return from school and hurry down the busy roads in order to watch whatever appeared on TV. I used to wait for Amma to return from office, so that we could take the much awaited trip to the Siva Vishnu temple on Usman Road. Now I have to admit that my primary interest was to window shop on my way to the temple. The bangle seller, the poo-kaari, the second hand book store, the kulfi-wala and the the panjumittai-karan with his hot pink cotton candies provided the sort of entertainment that Door Darshan didn't.

And once the archanais and abhishekams were over, Amma would occasionally walk me across to the tiffin section of one of the earliest Saravana Bhavan outlets. On the days she had enjoyed herself at work I would be rewarded with my favourite 'sada dosai' in the A/C section on the third floor. The waiters who by then were our extended family always made it a point to keep an extra kinnam of their famous HSB'Sambar'. After dinner I would grab some somph in my right hand and salute the sentry at the door. Outside Saravana Bhavan, Amma would help herself to the customary paan and advice me on the repercussions of children tasting paan! If I managed a convincing puppy dog face she would buy me a Goldspot or Frooti from Nadar stores on the way home. We would walk back with an unexplained contentment in our lives. And I would thank Siva Vishnu for being so strategically located...

Almost 16 years later, the sada dosai with HSB Sambar (and now a degree coffee has joined the list) brings back memories of innocent days and carefree moments...Of times when all that mattered was that extra kinnam of the famous Sambar :)

A small talk to myself !!

A thought flashed my mind. What if I started this year afresh as if I had nothing to look back to?’ No past baggage, no experiences and nothing from the past to the present, and then to the future. Oh! great, but how then would the present look like? And then the future? A lot of such questions passed my mind. Somewhere, something that I had learnt then popped up.

‘Nothingness’ at the present was at first discomforting, but also enabled in me the possibilities of 'everything'. If I have nothing, then everything is possible. A new paradigm to live life, a powerful life to lead and actually write the script that I can dream to live - everyday of my life. So the future, then, will be a life full of possibilities and anything I want, I dare and would be ‘raring’ to go. That looked interesting but overwhelming.

Life, I thought, anyway was a zero sum game. One starts from nothing and ends up with nothing. Rich or poor, all end up the same way. Some are cremated, some are buried. Life, finally, is empty and meaningless. What remains is the present....

Then why not start life anew? The immediate possibility now is to take on each day with curiosity and excitement:)

Its a leaf from an old book!

THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!! the crazy weather and rain is over. As my friend Zulu put it, it's been really wierd weather haunting the bay. But rainy days are always nostalgic. And nostalgia is almost synonymous to childhood memories, which you can't deny are surprisingly evergreen. You tend to forget what you did and where you were during the last monsoon. But you cannot forget the times you came home from school, drenched in rain to your heart's content, or the little paper boats you sailed in water puddles when you parents were not around.

I especially remember one day when I was in grade four. It was raining heavily since morning and the streets were flooded. After school, I was waiting for my driver to come and pick me up. But who turned up instead was my dad with an umbrella! On one hand, I was pleasantly surprised. On the other, I was a little apprehensive because besides that I had an innate fear for my dad(just like several kids of my generation), he never allowed us to get wet in the rain and got furious if he saw me waddling in puddles, which I was then hoping to do, if my driver did not turn up on time.

I quietly started walking with him holding my hand. There came the street round the corner, filled with rain water. I was sure my father would turn back and try taking another route or an auto- rickshaw. My dad looked down at me with a mischevous smile. "Thanniyile jal jal nu polaamaa?" (shall we tread happily through this water?) I was overjoyed. I couldn't believe it at all. I hastily agreed with a big grin on my face, before he could change his mind. I can never forget the way I waddled through the flooded streets to my heart's content, alongside my father that day. Long after I came home, washed myself and changed to dry clothes, the feel of the water lingered around my legs. And that daddy appreciated my childish desire to play in the water and let me indulge in it for once, was absolutely heart-warming.
Reliving childhood days by itself would be immensely joyous.

Unconditional Love - Just for you :)

Assured bundle her palms did hold,
Cuddled baggage held me in fold.
Surmount care lit in bold,
Inundate gaiety forever to mold.

Foot on foot she taught to tread,
Cheeked cheek, virtues bred.
Knowledge, wisdom, this gourmet fed,
Earth surpassed her love be read.

Digressed pretence to face nadir,
Bank on her, tears and satire.
Daunts changing, my face clad attire

When josh reproves to retire.

Her face sublime, words refulgent,
Proud mother in airs effulgent
Glib my portrait in noble tangent
Tongue too valor suave cogent.

I am her passion in loam,
Meticulous though her days roam,
Nay a minute did focus deform,
For all it means love you mom.

I miss you already :(

Why isnt anything constant in life?

Nothing is constant in life. You believe is something and realize thats not true...

just a random thought...

This is for you.....!!

"Do not burn yourselves out. Be as I am - a reluctant enthusiast... a part-time crusader, a half-hearted fanatic. Save the other half of yourselves and your lives for pleasure and adventure. It is not enough to fight for the land; it is even more important to enjoy it. While you can. While it's still here. So get out there and hunt and fish and mess around with your friends, ramble out yonder and explore the forests, encounter the grizz, climb the mountains, bag the peaks, run the rivers, breathe deep of that yet sweet and lucid air, sit quietly for awhile and contemplate the precious stillness, that lovely, mysterious and awesome space. Enjoy yourselves, keep your brain in your head and your head firmly attached to the body, the body active and alive, and I promise you this one sweet victory over our enemies, over those desk-bound people with their hearts in a safe deposit box and their eyes hypnotized by desk calculators. I promise you this: You will outlive the bastards" - Edward Abbey

I hope this helps you :)